I have a problem.
I am a note slut.
I'll do anything for a note.
I don't care if they are belligerent
I don't care if they're condescending
I don't care if they are cloyingly sweet or pitying
I.Don't.Care.
I just want to see them
Pages
And pages
And pages of them
An unbroken sea.
So oblige me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Cretin
Dear X,
You're propensity for violent behavior coupled with your lowbrow tendency to communicate in monosyllabic grunts leads me to believe that you are the missing link. Hence, when you die I will desecrate your grave and wallow in the scientific prestige that is sure to follow.
Yours truly,
S
You're propensity for violent behavior coupled with your lowbrow tendency to communicate in monosyllabic grunts leads me to believe that you are the missing link. Hence, when you die I will desecrate your grave and wallow in the scientific prestige that is sure to follow.
Yours truly,
S
The Secret
They said you were drowning
Stuck in a whirlpool, being sucked under
I charged down the beach
I fought the tide
I pulled you out to the saftey of shore
A hero they said!
Such vim!
Such valor!
But there's more...
Yes. More.
Do you want to know?
Do you want to hear?
...Lean closer then. Let me spell it in your ear
The secret, my secret is this my dear...
Although I tossed the first life saver I could acquire
I privately hoped the hole in its middle would inspire.
Stuck in a whirlpool, being sucked under
I charged down the beach
I fought the tide
I pulled you out to the saftey of shore
A hero they said!
Such vim!
Such valor!
But there's more...
Yes. More.
Do you want to know?
Do you want to hear?
...Lean closer then. Let me spell it in your ear
The secret, my secret is this my dear...
Although I tossed the first life saver I could acquire
I privately hoped the hole in its middle would inspire.
The Untalented Mrs. Ripley
Dear God. Does everyone know how to play the stinkin' piano except me?!
In malls, on college campuses, everywhere- people play!
Undistinguished, regular looking blokes.
Housewives, students, bums.
If only my gifted fingers would fling themselves into a fugue at the mere sight of a grandstand....
But no.
Hence, I remain respectfully yours,
The Untalented Mrs. Ripley
In malls, on college campuses, everywhere- people play!
Undistinguished, regular looking blokes.
Housewives, students, bums.
If only my gifted fingers would fling themselves into a fugue at the mere sight of a grandstand....
But no.
Hence, I remain respectfully yours,
The Untalented Mrs. Ripley
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Math Lesson/Cosmo's Equation for Lasting Love
Cosmo maintains that in relationships f(x)=∞
In other words for a relationship to be worthwhile and long lasting there must be frequent sessions of F. As it turns out F- the intimate, physical aspect of a relationship is more important than we all thought. No man can be remain faithful to you more than a day without it. Therefore we as women have the responsibility, nay deep duty, to make sure F is frequent and good. That we are competent masters of it in order to please our men. How can we do that?
Well F is a function of x- the mystery and mystique that a woman should have.
In order to improve and preserve F a women must first find and preserve that mystique, that je ne sais quoi, that undefinable something that makes her desirable to men.
World hunger, inequality and genocide aside the altruistic folks down at Cosmo have fully dedicated themselves to helping women everywhere cultivate and maintain the invaluable asset x!
According to a back issue of theirs this involves randomly showing up at my husband's office in nothing but a trench coat just in case he's thinking of straying. I must do this even if I'm over the hill and experiencing the inevitable gravitational pull that comes from coming down the other side of it.
Other novel suggestions from them include wrapping myself in saran wrap as a Valentines day gift for my man. Good stuff.
But what cosmo- in all their wonderful noble efforts to educate the feminine masses- has forgotten is that x is a dependent variable. Dependent upon what you may ask. Upon the variable y as in why the hell should we the feminine masses care?! If anyone knows the answer to this question please feel free to drop me a line. I'm still waiting for them to address it. Until they do I regret to inform you that their readership, however large it may be, will still remain x-1.
In other words for a relationship to be worthwhile and long lasting there must be frequent sessions of F. As it turns out F- the intimate, physical aspect of a relationship is more important than we all thought. No man can be remain faithful to you more than a day without it. Therefore we as women have the responsibility, nay deep duty, to make sure F is frequent and good. That we are competent masters of it in order to please our men. How can we do that?
Well F is a function of x- the mystery and mystique that a woman should have.
In order to improve and preserve F a women must first find and preserve that mystique, that je ne sais quoi, that undefinable something that makes her desirable to men.
World hunger, inequality and genocide aside the altruistic folks down at Cosmo have fully dedicated themselves to helping women everywhere cultivate and maintain the invaluable asset x!
According to a back issue of theirs this involves randomly showing up at my husband's office in nothing but a trench coat just in case he's thinking of straying. I must do this even if I'm over the hill and experiencing the inevitable gravitational pull that comes from coming down the other side of it.
Other novel suggestions from them include wrapping myself in saran wrap as a Valentines day gift for my man. Good stuff.
But what cosmo- in all their wonderful noble efforts to educate the feminine masses- has forgotten is that x is a dependent variable. Dependent upon what you may ask. Upon the variable y as in why the hell should we the feminine masses care?! If anyone knows the answer to this question please feel free to drop me a line. I'm still waiting for them to address it. Until they do I regret to inform you that their readership, however large it may be, will still remain x-1.
I Am A Star
Dear X,
I am a star. You are a black hole. Do you know dear child, what a black hole is? It is a collapsed star- infinitely dense and with an infinite mass. With that in mind perhaps you should lay off the Cheetos.
Best Regards,
S
I am a star. You are a black hole. Do you know dear child, what a black hole is? It is a collapsed star- infinitely dense and with an infinite mass. With that in mind perhaps you should lay off the Cheetos.
Best Regards,
S
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